Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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