the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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