i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
