Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
