Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
