i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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