I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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