fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
