I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
