I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
