dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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