Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
