dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
