okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
