I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
