I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Randomize
