Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
