did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The best revenge is premature balding
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
