put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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