i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
