um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
