went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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