Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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