I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
