My underwear smells like fireworks.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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