I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
