so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize