I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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