you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
