FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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