when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
