Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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