She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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