made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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