you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
