It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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