I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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