I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
