then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
