I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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