If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Randomize
