She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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