I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
