dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
