peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
