party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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