do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
