The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
