And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
