whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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