The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
