my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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