Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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