I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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