So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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