I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
