so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
