Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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