I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
