put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
