i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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