i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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