I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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