I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize